....

memories of you come back when i hear or see certain things.
i try so hard to forget what you put me through for that whole year of my life.
the year when i was young and decided you wanted to waltz back in like nothing.
then you shake my world upside down and cause me hell.

when i look up at the sky i should be thanking god im living another day.
instead i look up and cry, praying he would take me away.

as i recall you were suppose to be a father.
there is so much i could say to you.
i dont know how you and my mom even knew each other.
how you even spoke.

your pure scum of the earth. do you not see that ?
you feel the need to write me on myspace..
look for me on facebook..

as if nothing ever happened.

you are fucking sick.
maybe it was all the drugs.
who knows either way.

you have my permission to drop fucking dead.

we.

are no longer anything.
its safe to say.
that you.. drifted away.

=(

I've reached my breaking point. I can no longer endure anymore.. Thanks.

.

Hello, My name is KeaKea.

And im afraid of commitment !

Blank.

Today, As I wake up and look out my window.
I realized I lost another friend.

Its sad how life works.
Why do we die so young ?
All of us. And I can name alot of people.
Dre, Mario, Twist, Katina, Tinky, Lickson, Julieanna (My sister), Sabastian, Kenny, Now Amanda.

Its weird.
How people say god would never wish bad upon anyone.
Or put them through pain.

Yet, here I am. Sitting here. Thinking back to all these people.
He allows them into my life only to take them away permenatly afterwards.
Its sad that im starting to get use to it.

In fact. Its horrible.
Someone at my age shouldnt feel how I do.
Or experienced a portion of the stuff I have.

When I see someone hurt in front of me, dying, even dead.
It has no effect on me. How can someone grow use to that ?
It dont even move me anymore...

Im sorry..

R.I.P

Why..

What we use to be.. Does it still matter ?
Do you enjoy putting me through pain ?
Does it give you pleasure ?

Why are you fighting for me ?
How come you got my name tatted ?
How can you cheat on me & still say you love me ?
When you looked into my crying eyes.. Did you feel remorse ?

How come NOW you see im happy withOUT you..
But you NOW you is when you want me back ?

Why did I even fight for you or defend you ?

You make me ill.
Your pathetic.
Burn in hell.

=D

life is GOOD =)

very very satisfied with the ways things are going.

so happy in fact; im at a lost for words !

THAT girl .

we got that waiting in the clinic silence.
that shhh dont tell nobody what we did silence.
you like keeping it quite.

nobody knows you write poems about me,
the type you cant post on facebook about me.

regardless of what you may think im worth or what i deserve.
i will never be that girl who only makes you smile when you orgasm.
that girl; whose day job is day dreaming about her night job.
that girl; who is so in love, will turn her body over for your superficial touch

you hide me behind me locked doors and bed sheets.
because if you dare reach out everyone will know it was still about me.
that in your heart & in your mind your still wrapped up in me.
my tear drops, you own them.

you may say you never loved me.
but you dont have to.
cause the silence speaks for you.
you wanna hold me in your arms & rock me to sleep then act like you dont know me.

as if the moments we spend together
are some kind of down payment.
and my bedroom is lay away. and thats all you do, is layaway.
curl up beside me but in the morning pull up your hoodie & turn the other way.

im like the bastard child. the reason why daddy never stuck around in the first place.
but for me rejection dont come every other weekend.
it comes when you lower your head & pass by without speaking.
and i remember when there was a time you could barely take your eyes off me.
i dont understand why its not okay for you to love me.

i guess; you just want me to be that girl.
that girl everyone wants to sleep with but nobody wants to be with.
that girl, only good enough for finding a suitable replacement.
and not trying to make up for the mistakes.

but you convinced yourself shes your everything & you want nothing to do with me.
but c'mon baby she looks JUST LIKE ME !!!

read the signs or at least the facial features.
cause i was your first; your only.

the prototype & shes just a duplicate.
and you can never make copies without first consulting the blue print.
you know what they say the sequel is never better then the original.

and she tries to write you stories but there only half as good.
you half squinting and you only hold her half as tight as you should.
because ya other half is tangled in my bed seats.
and ya other half is complete within my mind & soul & body.
and ya other half is french toungin' me monday through friday.

im not fighting for joint custody.
im fighting for respect.

because ill never be content with being your back door hoe.
your something on the side. your something to do during lonely nights.
your closet freak. you will never reduce me to a skank or a whore.

& though i love you; id rather spend EVERY night crying on my bedroom floor then to EVER the THAT girl !

Toodlesss :) I love this songgg.

I've been lying, to keep you from this pain
Now your crying, and to know that I'm to blame
And I'll miss you' But its over now
I'm so sorry, that it had to be this way
Please don't hate me, but there's nothing you can say
To change my mind , I've got to go away
The guy that I fell for; He wanted more and more

Bye Bye Boyfriend

It's time that I'd be on my way

Bye Bye Boyfriend

I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up, lay down and work
It was fun but it couldn't last forever

Let me tell you how it was when we started off
The tattoos and the lip pierce and raggedy style you used to rock
Lately everything you do and say is messed up
Things have changed, down is up we're outta luck

Bye Bye Boyfriend

It's time that I'd be on my way

Time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now
You never put the effort in to the things that really counted
A word here, and a kiss there
Couldnt change the way its turning out
You work so hard at all the things I never cared about
How hands work & fingers moving, Eyes wide Shut
And baby I'm lonely
Though your right in front of me
You controlled me
That was the girl I used to be
Gave up myself
Well its over now


Bye Bye pretty boyfriend.

hmm.

Fuck you. Yes you.

Sorry just dont cut it anymore.

Then again neither does goodbye :\

.......

Life is pretty good right now. I'm excited for alot of things going on.
Except the fact I chipped my damn tooth :\ damnit ! Lol.

Came to the conclusion; most females are pathetic & will do anything to see you fall..
Well damn bitch guess whatttt ?! NOT HAPPENIN' ;) So sucka dickkk.

Awwww Dj Am died.. I'm sadd he was the shiznittsss. That ruins my plans with ashley.
So much for having a nude bubble party with him... lmaaaooooo.

OH ! I was watching some shit on that model girl that was murdered..
yo that was dumbb sadddddd. Then the dude that did it killed himself ?!
Smh; fucking pussssyyyyy.

Anywayssss off to see a gooood frienddddd ;)
Toodlessss !!

I feel you [Poem)

I may not know your name
Or know your situation
I may not know your pain
Or know the information
But I feel you none the less...And though we're different flesh
I look at you as you are me and hurt when you confess...
Confess that you cant sleep because the agony you feel
Confess that you cant eat because your family is ill
Confess that you cant weep because your strategy is still
To hold in all thats left to make the tragedy not real
You're battling to feel...
Bandaging to heal...
All the happiness that cant be with and damaging has killed
Ive been there and im still...exactly where you are
Under the clouds, the sun, the moon, this sadness and the stars
And though we may be far I feel you none the less
Our eyes have never met but its the heart that we connect
The problems that we share
The heart break and despair
I know life isnt fair but just know that someone cares
Someone you'll never near
Different face but same ol tear
I may not know your name but just know that I am here...

Your status set to "crying"
Your mood set to "sad"
Your main pic of you smiling
To the real world you seem glad
You shelter your emotions
Pretend that youre ok
When inside your heart is broken
For whatever made that way
For whatever paints you gray
Know the sky is always blue
Know the sun is always shining...shining just for you
Know that God is always watching
Know that you're not alone
Know that Heaven hears your voice...though it seems that no ones home
Tears will disappear
Frowns dont last forever
It took the clouds to go away for the sun to own the weather
So just know it will get better...And yes I know the world is cold so let hope be your sweater

too good.

So i've come to the conclusion; The nice guys always finish last. IF they even finish at all.

im sorry. for every negative i try to find 3 positives. but at this point in my life i cant. i dont know what to do :( i feel like im walking on stilts. scared to even breath. i really do have such a big heart. and i wear it on my sleeve like its the new fashion. but i feel like im being tested everyday. i trust someone just a smidge and OF COURSE something happens. it really hurts too.
maybe i give out too many chances. but im a believer everyone deserves a second chance.

however this time around im starting to think differently. ive been hurt so much lately. i NEVER cry and i feel like its all ive been doing. my heart racing faster and faster as every tear drop streams down my face. ive TRUELY learned. you cant trust anybody. not a good friend, not a guy, not even family. and turns out, the ones you'd least expect to hurt you? are the first ones to do it. ive learned never believe what someone says, because actions speak louder then words. and just today. all the trust i might of had for anyone has been thrown out the window completely.

ive learned love, is just an emotion that the mind makes up. it isnt real. i also learned being single the rest of my life isnt all that bad. because id honestly choose dying old with nobody by my side then being killed by the amount of stress im always put under in a relationship.

i dont think anyone understands how much ive endured. i get the twisting and churning in my stomach, the fire burning in the pit of my tummy. the tears rolling down my face. and me sitting here puzzeled wondering why. i get goosebumps, and shake. my teeth even chatter sometimes. i feel a chill down my spine and a sharp pain in my chest. its beyondd what would happen in a movie. yet i try to wake up every morning and put it all in the past. i dont believe in holding grudges. i believe in forgiving because thats what god would do. choosing to forget is up to you. although thats just a figure of speech because there is no way you can honestly forget.

ive learned no matter how nice you are to people, it dont matter. they will STILL treat you like shit. because everyone is an asshole. i take time out of my day to at least make someone smile. yet i NEVER get anything in return. just pain and heartache. pain is enevitable but suffering is an option, and that is why im going to get it all out now so i dont have to ever come back to it. because i will not suffer and pay for other people being dickheads.

ive learned the mintue someone tells you they wont hurt you ? its a double negative & they will.

ive learned that the word promise ? is also made up. nobody EVER keeps their promises. So yes, it is complete bullshit and if your sitting here saying you keep yours? your a bullshiter.

ive learned that NO, not every guy is the same. but one way or another down the line one WILL hurt you. and if your a girl and you believe what they say? yes, you will be in for a rude awakening. guys watch out because girls could and most will hurt you too.

ive learned just when you think you really know somebody, your wrong.

ive learned tho, that you should always ride any situation out and see where it takes you. you never know what could happen along the way. if your really commited in a relationship maybe you should stick it out..

because ive learned nobody is perfect and alot of people are very far from it. if you let it go to soon you will miss it dearly and the pain could be far worse then what it was. so TRY and put everything aside and make it work. people make mistakes it is life. you learn from them, grow from them.

however, GIRLS, ive learned. NEVER hide your feelings and pretend like everything is ok. because take my word. it gets nowhere & eats you up inside. it might fix things at that point and time but the same situation could and probably will happen again. talk it out, fix things. lets it be known how you feel so things are crystal clear. then like i said ride it out for a little bit and if nothing changed. then although it might not be what you want, leave.

sometimes i wonder how i got here. is it my fault? because of me being so nice and having such a big heart i let it get so bad? or is it people just take advantage of me every chance they get.

ive learned that sometimes you have to be your own hero. and stop relying on everyone else.

however i know i can make it through, depsite everything. i will just keep waking up with a smile on my face and keep praying that life will get better and people will learn and mature.


and me writing this... made me realize. i cant hold something over someones head forever. people mess up its life, accept it because you gotta make it through the rain to get to the rainbow. anywaysssss. i feel like this is fucking pointless...

so fuck this wholeeeeeeee bloggggggggggg !! ignore it all.

cats ?

earlier i took some meds, i think it was nyquil. now i feel like im high
-___-
kinda funny actually. i started to feel really woozy lmaaaooo. almost drunk.
idk, but i knocked out. like stone cold lol, homegirl said i looked dead.

now? im dumb fucking hyper. and there is nothing to do. i guess i could rant on about my life? but it isnt even all that. kinda boring considering nothing new happened. except im fucking sick and i feel like im dying if not already dead. it came out of the blue too. i havent had a good sleep in so long. i look dumb bummy. with a florida gator hoodie on and some little shorts with my blanket wrapped around me and eating chicken noddle soup. -which by the way is really good.

haaaa, so this guy up here likes me or whatever. i mean i dont care cause thats on him, i have my eyes set on someone else. but anyways, he hit me up on aim and was like i like you alot blah blah. i was trying to hold in my laughter. i know i know, rude but i cant help it. he KNOWS i dont like him and i toldddd him im feelin someone . yet he says this -___- anyways. after that he says can i ask you something serious. i was like uhh sure ? scared he gonna ask me out lmao. he says "what would you do if i got you pregnant?" my jaw dropped like wtf my niggaaaa ?! ew ew. first of all i only knew him for a few weeks. and he trippin over me that bad? and saying shit like that creeps me out. cus that means SEX.. with him o.O ew. i tried changing the subject then he goes what if i told you i wanted a kid. i said okay well thats on you idk? nothing to do with me. then he says can you picture yourself with my kid =O he creeped me out, i blocked him lol.

hmm anyways. i made a bet with someone that im going to get a job by october. but that means i gotta stay up here lol. idc cus he will LOSE. smh, loser. i needa win something. he always wins
-___- gayyyy.

for about the past week i've been home by myself the fams is outta town. and for some reason i was thinking about cats. their life sucks. like.. if its only one cat in a house they must be lonely. all they do is sleep. they must be depressed. cant go party. all they do it eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom. must suck >.<

la de da, im O U T !

;)

7 days of the week alternate sides of the street
I'm a drag that bitch like the motha fuckin beat
That's word to me I'm a smack her when I see her
You the type to be like I'm a ask her when I see her
Still be scared to death you walk pass me when you see her
See I treat her like a check and straight cash her when I see her
I'm a leave her when I see her, casadea when I see her
It's me bitches yea swiss beata when I see her
See it's on when I see her, she a goner when I see her
Word is bond I'm on her, I'm a stomp her when I see her
I'm a put hands on her, I'm a snatch her when I see her
Like my lil' cousin pat say trash her when I see her
These broads is garbage I be laughing when I see her
They be copin pleads like "girl what happened? " when I see her
I don't question her when I see her, I address her when I see her
Wash her up and permanently press her when I see her
Apply pressure when I see her, disrespect her when I see her
This aint chess but I'm a chin check her when I see her
I don't give a fuck yup! I'm a duff her when I see her
I swear to my motha I'm a snuff her when I see her
It's nothing when I see her, No it's something when I see her
That bitch best bets to start running when I see her

I DARE HER TO TALK BACK AND START FRONTIN WHEN I SEE HER

I just might snap and start grillin when I see her
Now I'm a step to her like a grown women when I see her
Nahh I'm lien ya'll already know I'm dumbin when I see her
Yeahh I'm comein when I see her See it's over when I see her
So don't act like I ain't already told ya'll when I see her
I'm a ethanal like Nas did Hova when I see her,
and then come back like H.O.V did and take over when I see her
Ya'll could call me Diddy cause I ain't stopin when I see her
I ain't lil' mama put my lip gloss poppin when I see her
She ain't rockin when I see her, cause I'm rollin when I see her
I'm a have her whole fuckin face swollin when I see her READY?!

insecure .

Lately im constantly being told im "the perfect girl" that any guy would want. But really. I dont think anyone see the truth. I mean dont get me wrong. I deffinatley dont care if my guy wants to go out with his friends and have fun, i respect people enough to let them have their space because I know what it feel's like to have no space. Although sometimes I do get nervous. What if a girl comes by who in their eyes is prettier then me? Cooler then me? A girl that can make them laugh more? See my problem is im insecure.... When it comes to those things at least. I try so hard not to sweat those things though . I mean if my guy has a girl FRIEND thats fine. I respect that. However im not gonna sit here and say I dont worry about it. Because I do.

And I usually take the blame for everything because I feel you should always be grown enough to admit what happened BUT this time.. im pretty sure I was the innocent victim .

Honestly though. The whole thing with my dad made me feel really insecure. Like no one would ever want to touch me after that happened. I mean thats why I dont really tell people but fuck it. OH ! And not to mention the mental and emotinal abuse I took from someone else. Completely lowered my self esteem unbelievably . I do try to play it off though. Sometimes I come off cocky almost. Though might I say im deff NOT. Thats why after everything I think a good majority of my relationships dont work; because of those two people. Im too insecure to let someone in & hella scared their gonna cheat on me. Or i'll give them my genuine all but they just leave with not a care in the world, or they will take advantage of me and try to pull off what my ex did.

I was bruised so bad my confidence became bruised.

However, I grew alot. I appreciate everything that had EVER happened to me. Simply because it made me the person I am today. Every wicked past leads to a "beautiful" person. Because its whats makes the beautiful. So NOT once will you see me being ungrateful. Not everyone is perfect although we'd like to think otherwise. So yes, I have some flaw, but im trying to improve them.

Broken tommorow (Poem]

She stays up late at night
Cold dinner on the table
He doesn't treat her right
But her attractions more than fatal

She never has a say so...comes and goes as he please
She longs to hear she's beautiful, or she is all he needs

But she couldnt bare to leave
Her hope keeps them together
For some reason she believes
That he will change just like the weather

But a snake cant turn to feathers...She's in love with yesterday
"One day he'll treat me better", so for tomorrow she must pray

But the sorrow seems to stay
He unappreciates her love
He doesn't put her on display
Or take her out to have some fun

He treats her like she's none...At times he is abusive
He's made her insecure, she's sure shes not among the cutest

To her beauty she is clueless
Her face knows his hand quite well
He says shes just a nuisance
Smacks her face and then she fell

She crawls inside her shell...Wonders why she takes this pain
She has no one to talk to so her emotions she detains

He accuses her and claims
That she cheats behind his back
When she's at home all day
And he's the one with sugar snaps

"One day he will be back"...the sweet man she fell in love with
The one she shared the sun with, shared the thoughts they used to run with

He used to kiss her thumb print
"My lips are identified by you"
He used to kiss her stomach"
One day you'll hold my baby too"

And when that day came to be true...it all began to change
3 months she lost the baby and he's never been the same

He says that she's to blame
He rubs it in her face"Youre nothing but a shame"
"You killed the baby before he could wake"

Its been 6 months since that took place...she would be giving birth
Instead of lying in her arms, baby sleeps beneath the dirt

She feels she has no worth
And he doesnt make it better
Things are only getting worse
So she feels its time to sever

She grabs some pills to sleep forever...Swallows eight then closed her eyes
A smile upon her face, she dreams of a broken tomorrow in her mind

*Their baby came out fine*
*Shared features from them both*
*They married August 9th*
*The beautiful family that she hoped*

But her dream was overdosed...Her life then said goodbye
He found in her in the room where the unborn baby would reside

He now stays up late at night
No dinner on the table
Wishes he could treat her right
But his mistreatment turned to fatal...

Dont cry; I bleed (Poem]

I dont cry...I bleed. These are not tears that you see.
These are drops of dead memories that can no longer be.
A child can shed a tear, For reasons that can be mere. A woman can shed a tear,For reasons that can be fear. A man can shed a tear, For reasons that cant be clear. But a soul can bleed a tear. Over seasons and painful years.

I dont cry...I bleed.

These are not tears on my sleeve, These are drops of bled misery from which ill never be free. The pulp of my pain left after the fruit has been squeezed. Bled the juice of my youth and all that I had to sever and leave. But left was the knowledge of seed...Outgrew the tree of life under the weather I grieve. Ate the fruit, bite after bite, growing smarter I feed. My pain has turned to might so no longer my crying shall bleed.

I dont cry...I see; That these are not tears to relieve, But they are a form of much respect to show the feelings you bleed.

From me to you.

Im staring in your eyes As yours are into mine. The world a blank canvas


Our love is color blind. Im studying your lips, To know just where to press.


The softness is intense, Tongues dance as they caress


I run it down your flesh, the flavor of forever


My body language does confess, that there is no such thing as better


Your Fingertips are more like feathers


Gliding up my thigh, My body temp cannot be measured


Hotter than July. Wetter than the Winter sky, pink like Autumn leaves


My image Falls into your eyes, as your tongue springs between my knees


You live just to see me pleased...Soft bites gnaw at my hip, Gently squeezing both my breasts


Legs squirm as I bite my lip, you softly whisper;


"Never had the inside of your pussy kissed?"


I wonder what is next? You lift me up to the ceiling, with my legs around your neck


My hair falling down my chest, you grab and push my face


You bring me back to the bed, bend me over, grab my waist


Then my knees begin to shake...Now its time I pull YOUR hair


Your entire dick inside me. Pulsating heat from skin thats bare


Liquids of love we trust and share...Lay me on my tummy


Kiss my neck and whisper words That remind you why you love me


The heat of my pussy says I'm cumming


Also this gushing that I feel my screams the pillow dulls, As my body starts to spill


Then your calming voice reveals


That its mine and mine forever...As im staring in your eyes


As ours are both together


The world a blank canvas


But our love is colorful



As you kiss me on my forehead and say "From me to you.."

Assholes ?

Been meaning to wrote about this..

A few days ago i was talking to my girls bout this shit. on the “we only like asshole” theory. i’ve been meaning to write more in depth about this for awhile, and was reminded about it again yesterday when one of the least asshole guys i know complained about his ex gf taking advantage. my homegirl jessica said something too, she was on-fuckin-point.
“Usually, we are fooled by a man dressed in tinfoil who pretended to be a knight in shining armor.But by the time we uncover the truth it’s too late - we’re already in love, caught up, or too involved. And thensometimes we’re attracted to men we know aren’t good for us because we simply hope we’re wrong. Whatever the reason be, it’s definitely NOT because we want an asshole.

what i "KeaKea" wants- is someone who will let us walk WITH them and not walk all over them. Someone who will allow us to be the strong women we are but still put us in our place when need be. Someone who would do anything in the world for us but WON’T, just so we stay appreciative. Someone who is nice but NOT a pushover. Someone who can be jealous at times, but never insecure. Someone who is a man’s man but let’s us put makeup on him when we’re bored and in need of a good laugh. Someone who lays all their cards on the table BUT plays them well. Someone who has his own agenda, own routine, own dreams, own friends, own priorities, and own life - but is willing to share NOT give them to us.”

fuck you (:

i think im going to open up my own tattoo & piercing place. throughout my life SO FAR , i've pierced 20 people ? easy . now i just gotta learn how to do tattoos , who wants to be my canvas ?!

joking guys ! unless your up to it that is ;)

ughhh , i SO cant wait till i get my cosmotology liscense ! woot woot ! im already super amazing at makeup , its like art.. on your face ? lmaoo idkk . im really hyper right now. which i find interesting.

OMFG ! actually i was going to say something but it would be a waste of time so im just going to say...


FUCK YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUISNESS ! IM DONE WITH YOU ! NOW STOP DICK RIDIN ME BEFORE I BUST A NUT !


-_____-

anyways i was touching up my hair today and got hair dye by my eye . omg man i almost cut my eye out it burned so bad ! o.O other then that , i went swimming , it felt nice outside. afterwards i was starving.. i swear im meant to be fat.. and had burger king.

however good news for me , not that it really concerns anyone i gained 3 pounds (: i was 103 now im 106 . then again.. i put on about 4 pounds and lose 3 within two days >.< looks like i'll always be a tiny thing. so much for my modeling career. yeaa lmfao i can see it now "that was Janice standing at 5'11 and 135 pds , next here comes KeaKea standing at 5'3 106 pounds modeling versace that looks to big for her ?" lmfaoo oh man that will be the day. HAH !
anyways, im out ! getting ready for the UFC fight ;)

relationship 101.

This is my personal opinion , soooo FUCK what you think; thanks ;)

I see girls walking down the street with some booty shorts on and shirts tied up , tryna holla at every guy they see . I hate that . A girl needs to be a LADY ! Not a whore . But them same girls cry when they cant find a guy that wants to be with them . Hmm , maybe if you presented your self like a lady and carried yourself the right way NOT like a skeeza a guy would actually want alot more then sex. But when you look and act a certain way thats all the guy see's. Then we hear all these songs about sex sex sex sex and hoe this bitch that . Why ? Cause nasty girls give other girls bad names . Now its one thing if you slept with a guy, regret it deeply and you realized you messed up. But to keep going out acting the way you do? Throwing yourselfs on guys? Nothing is going to change. Their going to keep trying to have sex with you. You'll keep giving in cause they tell you exactly what you want to hear and nothing will be solved.

Then you there are girls who are just straight BITCHES ! Your relationship wont last. Because in a relationship there are two people involved NOT just you . So to think the world revolves around you is a no no. Respect you guy the way you want him to respect you. And just cause you "suspect" a guy flirting with some other girl dont mean go out and CHEAT . No you arnt getting even. Guys are guys. they flirt. But lets face it. Girls do to. Its human nature. That dont mean we are going to try and get with that person. Another thing, joking. When your in a relationship. You have to know when to joke around and when not to. Especially with guys. They say things all the time and joke around. DONT take it seriously. they obviously care about you and like you if they are with you. Just cause it made fun of you for one little thing isnt a big deal. If anything he's playing around with you because he thinks it's cute. That dont mean cuss him out and flip out on him calling him an asshole -___-

Sometimes you have to think to yourself. What if the shoe was on the other foot and things got switched around ? Would you like to be treated the way you treat your guy ? No i doubt it. True alot of guys out there DO cheat, DO use girls, DO try to be a player. But you just got to find the right ones, the good guys, and give them a chance. You have to come to turns and realize not every guy out there is going to hurt you . But try taking it slow instead of rushing into things. For instance. Sex ? Take your timeeeee ! You have all the time in the world to have sex. Why rush it with one guy ? And if he tries to rush you or pressure you? Thats probably all he wants and you need to let him go. Sex is meant to be a beautiful thing shared between two people. It should have meaning to it. And be very special to you both.

UGH ! some people just dont learn o.O

Taureanssssss !

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:
The women born during this period are of middle stature.
The body is plumpy, the forehead - broad and the neck - thick.
Taurean woman normally have a clean complexion, dark hair, bright eyes, well developed muscles,and broad shoulders. They have a nice and friendly way of interacting with others.

MENTAL ATTITUDE:
You have lots of patience and can withstand great hardships. But when provoked beyond limits, you become wild with rage and no power can withstand you.
Taureans are quite conservative and have a strong will power. They also show signs of laziness.
You cannot be deceived into doing anything that you do not want to.

MONEY:
You are one of the few people who steadily earn and save money. You should be cautious while spending.
You can have a strong temptation for gambling also. You can become a good broker/ money arranger/ banker. It is not uncommmon for you to measure your success only from your savings.

ROMANCE & SEX LIFE:
Taurus females are not outgoing types. They will prefer to kep themselves ocupied in their own affairs and still attract people.
Once in love, you are very romantic and develop a strong attraction towards opposite sex . However you are quite slow in reacting. Good surroundings with lot of open air and natural looks turn you on.
Harmony of colours and especially pastel shades of blue and pink are your favourites. Generally, you are not jealous of other females.
Taurus women have a large appetite for sex. Throat is the hotspot for you.

MARRIAGE:
You take long time to select your partner, but once married you shall prove to be a devoted wife. Taurus women rarely divorce . You care a lot for your husband.
You are also a very caring mother for your childen and do everything possible to see them in good shape.
Taurean women are good housemakers and do everything in a well planned and efficient manner. Food cooked by the Taurean women is often the best and they do show it well by throwing parties.

LUCKY DAYS, NUMBERS & COLORS:
Lucky days are Friday, Wednesday & Saturday.
Lucky colors are Pink, Blue and White.
Lucky numbers for you are 2 & 8.

RECOMMENDED GEMSTONES:
Emerald and Blue sapphire are the lucky gemstones for you. The gems should have a vibrant aura and should never have been worn before. The weight has to be decided as per your body weight and age.

>:\

THIS IS OLD, but i found it .

this time i get taken away, as if its a new day. i sit here and pray that you will fade away.
just a faint memory you will become to me.

your a trip that aint worth shit. im losing control but im ready to go. sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.

the pain you brought left me distrought. i use to stay up at night and cry. remember you use to say you dont lie ? cause if you lie then you fly but you arnt flying; yet im still crying .

what happened to being true to me. i guess it was all a fantasy . well guess what . your dead to me . complete history .

our friendship was never meant to be . i hope your satisfied with the way things turn out .

cause now im happier then ever and your still in doubt, of how i can let go that easily, but it came easy to me. when you get hurt so often you learn to let go as if it never happened .

do me a favor just forget me. and the shit that use to happen. forget my smile and the way i laughed. forget my glowing skin. forget the smell of my "angel" perfume lingering on my skin. forget my "seductive" green eyes, i want you to dispise .

dispise me , hate me! i hope it brings you pain, and you get so angry the blood boils as it flows through your viens.

your pathetic you make me want to scream. sometimes i just cant take it . but im not letting you pressure me. cause then i would go insane. instead i laugh it off, and ignore the pain .

a little bit of exctasy .

lately , as strange as it is . i've been SUPER happy ! which is good . because so much stuff has been going on . i try not to stress it , so i've been keeping my mind occupied . and it's working :D

its like i try to better myself and thats when everyone trys to bring me down -__- go firgure to that one, but its whatever . im really proud of myself though . i've dropped damn near all the bad in my life.

ehh im suppose to go to this birthday party thing later :\ i dont really wanna go but maaad ppl wanna see me. im like wth ?! as if im famous or something ? idkk. they said they needed some laughs though and im good at that . so i liked feeling needed especially for laughs (:

fireee alarm .

soo ; i feel like i should tell the world im craving cheesy bagel bites ! oh man you buy me some ill love your forever literally ! hmm ; talking about em is making me drool lmfao !

anywayss , i went all around springfield with jessica and her niece's . lol it was interesting. we had to go to state street and pick of her sister. nigga's were driving maaaad stupid we alomst got in like 5 accidents . aint that a bitch ?! anyways , we drop her sis off and theres this group of niggas in front of her house . lmfaoo jessica knows one of them and he said he wanna holla at me =O
lmfaoo , but he a herb so NAH !

we go grocery shopping lmfao , everywhere ! didnt think that could last a whole day lmfao .
jessica ran into stop and shop lmfaoo.. me gavi & stephanie (her neices] blast music lmfaooo . we thought jess would find the car faster :D

we get back by her project. and ohdee fire trucks are everywhere ! people are evacuating the building. something about the 4th floor or the 2nd floor was on fire ? ughh bullshit ! niggas was acting maaad dumb though like it was a damn manhatten blackout. they was jumpin on cars and shit lol .

ugh now im bored and i have a headache .
dont know what im gonna do ? but i wanna do SOMETHING !!
so im gonna put on my safari hat and go searching ! lmfao !

Grrrrrrrr >:\

good morning world !

soo my mom is a fan of my blogs ; HI MOM ! lmfaoo ; i love you (:

anywayss . i went to bed last night with a smile on my face , woke up with the same smile , hmm i love cool colombian people lmfaoo .

today i was looking at good schools to go to . cosmotology is amazing ! i cant wait till i open my own salon . i will become the worlds GREATEST make up artist (:

ehh im up really early today . my abuela's cat fucking woke me up , like serious ?! wtf is that . shit was meowing so loud... kinda sounded like a dying seal -__- i wake up though.. and nobody is home i was lost for an ill minute lmfaoo . them i remembered "oh yea ! doctor appt ." i wonder about myself sometimes lol .

im feeling really good though . like a new start because i broke free from a few people i've been wanting to break free from . i had alot of shit i kept bottled up inside foreverrr . i finally let everyone know how i really feel. and i cut some of them loose. i realized i dont deserve to be treated like shit . i put up with it forever , NOW its time for me to live my life and do whats best for me. i must admit though getting EVERYTHING off my chest felt amazing. i feel like there is no extra baggage holding me down..... oh snap.. jerry springer ! i must go glue my eyes on the tv :D


KeaKeaa !

lalalalaaaaa .

today was a pretty decent day .

i had to get a new id cause i lost my last one -__- we are waiting in line all of a sudden a group of guys come . ugh nasty fuckers lol . i hear them whispering ; maldita ella multa ; culo que es grasa . ew i was grossed out . well finally we get to the lady at the counter and some guy pushes me out the way cause he mad at the lady . i got heated ! fucking stupid ass old man . the fuckkkkk !

but i had mcdonalds so that made me happy (:

now i have a headache , cause of stupid ass people that feel its okay to treat me like shit .
which i KNOW i dont deserve . i have such a big heart and i do way too much for people to be treated like that , espescially by THAT person .

omfg ! not to mention im tired of being yelled at alllll theeee timeeeee by someone who has no room to yell . they probably dont even know whats going on in the day , cause they always drink . they are probably DRUNK !!! ughh im tired of always feeling like i cant amount to nothing.

but when i make big bucks one day and they want me to help them ; im gonna look and die of laughter !! cause i know im too good for this shit -_____-

rapido para juzgar .

No deje usted engañar a los ojos.

if i had a penny for everytime someone judged me; i'd be a millionaire . too be honest its pathetic . then when someone really gets to know me they are shocked . dont let your eyes fool you . because they will . i hate when people think they can start shit with me and i'm not going to finish it . they think they can fight me and whoop me . but when they try i unleash hell .

just because im 5'3 - fairly short ; and 107 pds - skinny ; they assume i'm not shit . or ohh , i wear makeup so i'm a pretty girl , i must suck at playing sports . i've been arrested so i'm a bad person . i have fair skin & have a normal accent so im white ? i chill with mostly dudes so im a whore ? i like girls , so i want to be a boy ?! nahh . i hate sterotypes . especially when they are wrong .

just because im tiny dont mean shit and please believe that you can ask anybody who knows me . weather or not they like me that has nothing to do with it cause they will tell you . i can hold my own if i need to . i dont go looking for fights though , drama aint my thing . just because i wear makeup dont mean shit , im a girl if i wanna look cute and feel like one im allowed too ! that dont mean i cant play sports , or im bitchy and dont like to get dirty. just because i've been in trouble with the law ? that dont make me a bad person , i've made mistakes who hasnt , some get caught some dont . im wild what can i say ;) just cause i chill with dudes dont mean im smashin them . im NOT a whore . i do what i do and stay to myself however guys have less drama then females . and just cause i like girls ? nahh that dont mean i want to be a guy . im BI ! i like guys and girls . i tend to go with the flow , if im feelin you it is what it is .

dont be so quick to assume shit .

KeaKeaaaaaaa who ?!

let me clarify somethings . if you dont understand me ? and feel the need to talk shit ? please do . if you "hate" me or cant stand me . why do you click on my blog and read all of it ? i write this shit for ME . i could give a shit less what you think . your mad childish and i know im better then that so i dont stoop down to your level , so keep reading my blog , stalking my shit i hope you enjoy everything you read about me , cause it's what makes me everything you ARNT !

you girls claim you a hundred real , nahh your a hundred fake ; you wanna make a BIG scence with your friends but when i catch you by yourself you dont like confrontaion . tell me how that is ? i dont like drama so please keep it away from me . OH ! and dont think for one second im pussy . i just choose to be the bigger person , be more mature . BUT the mintue you touch me i will FUCK you and your girls up hands down i aint worried about it .

and for everyone else . if you call me weird and dont understand me . thats just it . im one of those people you will probably never understand . being weird is something im good at . i dont care what others think about me , and i dont think anybody should . you live your life for YOU if people like you then they like you , if not fucccckkkkk itttttttt .

anywayssss ; that was just a quick note :D

maybe we had no buisness havin' buisness .

people say your suppose to live your life with no regrets ; but my personal thought on that ? everyone has at LEAST one thing they wish they could take back . me ? i have a few . the main . .

1. reuniting with my scum bag father .


one- sometimes i hate myself , and several other people including my father . my mom left him when she found out she was pregant , she was young and he was.. who cares. he NEVER tried to find me. he didnt even care. my mom ran into my aunt at walmart one day "his sister" and my aunt talked to my dad, who then came over and we hung out whatever, i was only 13 in middles school. i was so happy at first cause i thought we could be a family again? idk i wasnt thinking.. remember i was nieve. i went to see him a few times. then one day life went into hell i remember just sitting there like wtf ; this cant be normal . i use to cry. i didnt know who to turn to. who would believe me, cause that is a serious matter. so i stay quite for almost a whole fucking year only one who knew was faraby . finally i couldnt take anymore so i told my abuela . she of course called my mom . which till this day i think she doubts the fact that its true . which i dont understand why ?! she is like in denial. maybe im just taking my anger out on her ? i know in reality it isnt her fault he aint in jail but still. he ruined my life . i trust NOBODY now , i try to trust people cause i know not everyone is like him . but idk . with guys ? i act so different i dont think i can ever get married . when im with a guy i always argue with him cause in my mind i want him to leave . i dont get it sometimes . i think i need therapy . will i ever get it ? who knows . part of me hated my mom , part of me hated my self . and ALL of me ; every little bone in my body ; HATES my father . he isnt even my DAD ! it takes a real person to be a dad , anybody can be a father . he could die right now for all i care and i wont have NO remorse . its like i have all this anger built up inside. i cant even explain it. makes me feel like im worthless though. like ill never be good enough for anybody cause of him .

for the record.. no mom i dont HATE you. i was just blaiming everyone involved at that time.

this thing i regret . and impacted my life in different wayss . of course there our other things that impacted my life . . that is most devastating .

everyone has 3 lifes .

A PUBLIC LIFE, PRIVATE LIFE, & A SECRET LIFE !

soo i've recently realized you only can count on YOURSELF . just when you think you trust somebody your WRONG . at the end of the day its just you . cause you cant rely on everyone else. maybe sometimes you have to stop waiting for someone to come around and fix whats wrong. maybe you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself & realize that nobody else has the answer, sometimes you hae to be your own hero .

life is a beautiful thing, but its all a game like chess. and you have to learn when the best time is to make the best move . you have to be self made. nobdoy else can build you up. just YOU ! life is short . dont stress over things that arnt worth it . i use to be one of those people who always argued with everything i didnt agree with .

but i realized people are people . they think what they want . not everyone can be what i want them to be . i feel like a smart cookie (:

favorite quote : when i started flirting with hustle , failure became my ex. now im married to the game & sleeping with success .

barbie ?!

soooo, i earned the new nick name barbie which i think is really cute. and damn did it catch on ! everyone calling me that. its kind of funny considering marlon is the one who gave me that name lmfao . longg storyy . i was thinking though ... cause i was on myspace and i saw some girls about me who was shit talking barbie . but she did have a point.

everyone now a days is some sort of "barbieeee" and i dont get why anyone would want to be a barbie considering they are fake and plastic ? but who knows. everything is ovr rated . i was given the nick name, and i dont really remeber how. but for the record. im NOT fake nor plastic nor do i want to be like anybody else.

lalala anywayssss ...

DAMN ! i cant wait for winter time, my love is comming to see me from florida !
i miss her ohdeeee. we are gonna rule the world ! we got a list & we must follow it lol. we use to have so many great memories. like breaking into my old house and getting busted by the cops, or stealing a random cell phone and this girls dad was bitchin at us. OR ! when i was hanging out the second story window at 6 am yelling at the police helicopter. faraby: keakea get your ass back in this fucking house they are gonna shoot you ! keakea: stfu ! i wanna see what they will dooooo ! nana: wtf you still arnt asleep.. finally we take a 10 min nap to reup and we leave, off to another adventure. omgg remember that time i got free perfume in the mail so we went into the library elivator and sprayed it EVERYWEHRE and we made our own ggas mask things lmfao ! we couldnt even breath ahahahaaa . omfg or when we were at the park by the courthouse and that guy was stalking us ! shi was crazy but damn we have some crazy times. we have been friends foreverrrrrr . and NEVER got in a fight. then again we have nothing to argue about, we are complete opposites lmfao. which is good. i cant wait till we get our own house with nanny cams to spy on our men ! lmfaoooooo. they wont wanna take a piss .

anywayssss P E A C E !

pick me apart piece by piece .

just a quick thought .

this feeling is making my stomach ache, love struck or IN love? there is a big difference as a wise man once told me.

love-struck is a temporary condition which excites your emotions and tricks the mind into thinking your in love but this is only temporary. in love is a serious condition in which the heart occasionally skips a beat, causes light headiness, and makes it tough to breathe.

all i know is it causes extreme heartache. and the symptoms of heartache are chest pains, uncontrollable tears, rapid breathing, loneliness, and vivid dreams in which i re-experience our "together days" then soon wake up to the cruel reality. i wish you understood that which ever one it is this feeling is PAIN !

do you get pleasure out of my pain ? i dont understand...

!@#$%^&*

today was a good day. the pain i had is now i faint memory. i went to six flags. it was greattt (: some guy tried talking to me ?

damn his pick up line was weak. "damn ma you got a nice ass back there come talk to me!" i was like my dude ! that is NOT how you holla at a girl , let alone me. im not a skeeza so dont come at me with that rude shit, ugh i hate it -__-

anyways , i got a cute little tan which is good (: my ass is still casper though =X
kinda sucks lmfaoo , guess ill go to a tanning salon for that .

anywaysss , so for those who dont know i just moved up to springfield, MA . way different then being in orlando and im not gonna lie i miss it dearly . but i felt it was time for a change, and in order to do that i need to go to an enviroment where i dont know anybody . i got here , and right away met a few people. some are friendly others look at me like im an alien, they could tell im not from up north lol. anywho, after some time of being done with school and not knowing what to do, i now know :D in the fall im going to school for cosmotology. im ohdee excited i cant wait.

i was recomended to go to a school in philly BUT i just got here , i dont want to leave just yet, so im going to stay close by. then after some time i might venture off.

well anyways, my tummy hurts and so do my legs, i think im gonna go sleep it off.

<3 KeaKeaaaaaa !

not living to please you.

i risked everything for you. i bent over backwards when im not even flexable. and for what ? me to be left in the cold with shivers down my spine lonely, left in the dark where nobody can find me? i trust very few for many reasons. i give you a little and you run with it. i can only endure so much pain. im no super human although that would be nice. its time i release this pressure. when all of it is iver i end up hurt? who was i living for, you or me?! or was it even living. you FUCKED me over. (pardon my french] im not gonna lie though. you led me on good, so i give you a round of applause. i thought i loved you so i took the abuse. you boast to your friends every little thing. like you have to build this super ego. i was hurt so bad i questioned my exsistance. but thats not who i am and thats why i owned up to everything and kicked you to the curb. i dont even have the words to explain how i felt.

well do you friends know how when we were alone you use to smack me around? pushed me down the stairs? bunched me in the chest to were i couldnt even breath! i blacked out, what if you would have killed me? what if you woulda done then? your 6'4 im 5'3 ! your a fucking football player and hands down deffinately not a match for me to take. i would go home to my mom with makeup on my face trying to cover the bruising. but i stuck around cause i remembered how you use to be. i kept praying in the back of my mind everything will get better, the stress will flee from your mind and the old you would return. remember that day i caught you cheating with one of my good friends and i questioned you about it. you got so pissed you turned around and pinned me on the wall, grabbed my neck and squeezed like you were squeezing the pulp out of an orange. a blood vessel popped in my eye, i started to see black, my knees gave out and i fell on the floor. so you picked me up and dropped me in the shower? busted my elbow then turned ice cold water on to wake me up. remember that?

i was so scared of you. i knew you were cheating on me but i never questioned you cause i didnt want you to beat my ass. but im not afraid anymore. in fact i think your pathetic. looking back at everything i dont know what you would have done without me. i defended you through everything. when you owed money to "boss man" .. thats what we will call him. and i got my people from tampa on him so he wouldnt hurt you? i shoulda just let you get killed. what about the time i helped get you out of jail? smh, i shoulda just let you rot.

everyone knew something was wrong but i was too afraid to cry out for help. but that last day i saw you and i told you i was leaving you. you ran after me but i had 15 different people waiting to go after YOU. it felt good seeing you get the shit kicked out of you.

too this day i have no regrets, except one.. meeting you & never leaving.