smooth.

I was going to log on here , and type a wholeeee story. But then i realized if rather not get into it right now. My life at the moment has been smooth sailing & i pray that it stays this way.

let me just say this . .

i find it BEYOND hilarious when an ex that you use to care about or whatever at that point in time is the biggest asshole so you leave . . thennnnnn you find someone else and you realize how much happier you are and how much you love them . . all of a sudden here comes your ex , "oh your man is so lucky , im so stupid to let you go , you were such a good gf blah fucking blah blah . its too funny , quite a show really . . DEAR EX , will you go lay in the middle of 192 . . thank you .

true life .

So here we are again . At a road in life where i cant determine weather or not i should turn left , turn right , or just turn around all together . Im hanging by a thread , and sometimes i feel like i cant take another day . I constantly tell myself over and over that im strong . But everything just feels like so much , TOO much . I feel like there is pounds & pounds of cement bricks on my shoulder weighing me down . I hear everyday how much of a strong beautiful person i am . How people admire me , all this . Im grateful . But i still know how much this is . Sometimes i wish it wasnt me . That instead of me looking out , im the one looking in , saying aw im so sorry . I hope all goes well , then go on about my day . It seems easy . But i could never do that . I fight for what i love , and though it drains everything out of me , i still manage to be standing tall at the end of the day . Ive stopped sheding tears ive stopped talking about everything all together . This . . This blog right here , is my only source to speak . And whomever reads it , reads it , i dont give a damn , because this is true life .

IGNORE .

random venting , IGNORE . i need somewhere to put it all lol .

damn i miss my partner . i remember when we first started talking . he kept hitting me up & i thought he was just some nigga trying to promote his music , i knew who he was , but not like that . he kept hittin me up & i was getting annoyed , kept ignoring him lol . then one day he gave me his number . wellllll 2 months later , i randomly went back and got it from my email to text him . and im glad i did if i do say so myself . we texted that wholeeee dayyy . i remember like it just happened . we been talking damn near a year come october . i never took him serious though . but then we started talking more & more . id be in class texting him , i even burnt my hand in cosmo on a curling iron . still got a big scar lol . next thing i know we talking 24/7 man . if we werent on the phone we were texting . even when we were busy . we still managed to talk to each other . i know he was feeling me . he was too cute . when i went to sleep at night he would text me really late , that way i woke up to something cute from him in the am . he told me the cutest shit too . he always told me though that he never knew how i felt . but one night i was at a party , and yea i was pretty gone lol . but i called him & stayed on the phone with him allllll night . niggas were trying to get at me & all , he heard it . but i went upstairs laid in bed & caked with him all night . he said thats when he knew (: thats when i knew too . when we first started talking i was a million miles away man . i had moved from kissimmee for a little to massachusetts , next thing i know my ass is back in kissimmee with him right by my side . lol i got back the weekend of valentines day . he got me a card & all this shit - too cute <3 when i got there though he had to leave for a week . we were so tied up with eachother , on webcam everynight lol . as soon as he got back , same night he came straight to my house . i remember i was so excited . at that point i already knew he played a big role in my life . he was going up in ranks like nothing . he got out the car so fast & gave me the biggest hug & kiss (: since then we been inseparable . not to long after that , late at night , we were sitting at the lakefront & he was just staring at me in my eyes . . i remember asking "why you looking at me like that" playing around & he leaned in close & whispered real low , cause i love you . that was the first time he told me . i had sooooo many butterflies in my stomach i thought i was going to passout lol . it was so soon , but it felt so right . i never met someone who completes me the way he does . we just go so good together . and in such a little time we been through so much together but it keeps bringing us closer . babyboy is my everything , and without him , im nothing . i hear his voice , my heart skips a beat , he kisses me i get goose bumps , light headed . i remember he said he thought he loved before . but nothing felt like this . he said "people search all their lives to find what we got , now i got it , and i refuse to let it go !" he always knows how to put a smile on my face , no matter what im going through . he has helped me through some of the hardest things & was always there for me . with the recent situation , its my time to prove to him , that im going to be here for him . im his rock <3 i have to be strong for the both of us . and im more the okay with that . people always talk alot too . always judging , always got something to say . but at the end of the day , dispite everyone elses opinion , its about ME & HIM . me & him got so close , we even finish eachothers sentences . we can go for hours without talking , but know what we are saying by our facial expressions . and we really did that before one time lol . i remember before him , i thought "LOVE" was such bullshit . i always thought with people its all about lust . that , that is the thing to keep people together . but now i see it for what it is . he makes me feel , amazing . its a high . his smile , his voice , his touch , just to see him is a rush . we will go far . we arnt married but he promised till death due us part . and nobody seems to understand . people under estimate it all . reality is that they are not US . they fail to see what we do , feel what we do . me & him , are like one . and we are in this to win this together . he promised me "till the end of time , i will be your protector to shield you from the bad , and love you with all i have." and till the casket drops , he is the holder of my heart . i know we have a long road ahead of us but like the saying goes . hope for the best & prepare for the worst . all i can do is put it in gods hands & let him take the lead . he needs me now more then ever , and idc what i have to do . i will be there . through thick & thin . he's my soldier , & now im going to be his little warrior . i pray everynight for the strength , for god to see US through this hard time . i know babyboy would want me to keep a smile on my face , blow off the stress & focus on whats important now . see the bigger picture , and notice the good thats in it . so im putting on my bulletproof vest , and going in with all i got ! i love you <3

friends ?

what is the honest true definition of a friend ? how do you ever determine who is really there for you , who is using you , two timing you , lying , back stabbing , loving , REAL ? within the past few months ive seen so much , TOOOO much , so much bullshit , lies , betrayal , FAKE . its fucked up because , when someone tells you they got love for you , or you like a brother or sister , they wont do you wrong , you want to believe that , you want that to be what happens . but in reality , as far as i see , you only have yourself . people are selfish , self centered . if someone is your bestfriend , you dont call them a bitch , a fuck nigga . when things get rough you dont dip . if something dont go your way you dont throw a fit . you man the fuck up & be there even if its just a shoulder to lean on . you shouldnt want to throw away your friendship because some petty shit . if you dont benefit from something you should still want to involve yourself . and i may be ranting on & on but this shit bothers me & i been seeing so much of this . you claim your 100 , your real ? alllllll this bullshit . lmfao , funny . not to mention , this person was there for you through thick and thin , through good & bad . now something happens and all they need is as little as to see your face , but you cant do that ? you cant make a little bit of an effort ? this right here right now is more important then anything , fuck borrowing money , fuck all that . this shit here ? this shit real . you can say oh im there my nigga , i got you no matter what , but WHERE THE FUCK YOU AT NOW ?! save that shit for someone else . actions speak louder then words , dont talk bout it , be bout it . life is moving fast , and you only have so many chances .

springs .

Today i actually decided to go out with the family . . I wasnt a fan of the idea , since we were going to the springs , one for the fact with my injuries i have me & the sun arnt the best of friends , heat is no good , nor is moving around , swimming blah blah . BUT ! I got on a float and just chilled enjoying my time out of the house . I started off negative about the whole thing , but then i thought what the hell , might as well make the best of it . I was SOOO hot ! And kept running out of breath . Luckly the springs have freezing cold water , so it was an equal balance .

Of course , he * was heavy on my mind . Last time we spoke of the springs we were suppose to go together . . Then with that thought in my head the memories started flowing in . Good ones though , they put a smile on my face . Trying to get back to my normal live is going to be difficult . But im trying my best . Trying to hold my head high & see the good in things . Having a positive attitude & thinking positive , will bring positive things to you . I just keep telling myself that . Whatever helps me get through the day i suppose . Alot of people say since the accident , i havent been myself . I know that though . I see alot of changes in me . And as much as i would like to i cant be 100% Kea again . When someone goes through something traumatic its going to take some time , IF it happens , in my case i doubt it . But like i said i make the best out of it . I mean thats the best thing i can do . . . right ?

.

lately my whole world has turned upside down & i dont know what to do anymore or how to get back on my feet . i try to do normal things such as go to a movie , or out to eat . but its really hard to even focus on whats going on around me . i get lost in my thoughts , in the memories , the nightmares . im not sure i know how to cope with any of this . how to keep it together . i dont even know how to talk to him face to face anymore , when i look him in the eyes i just want to break down & cry because reality just smacks me in the face everytime and i dont know how to handle it . ive writtin letter after letter after letter full of stuff ive been wanting to tell him though. at least i cant choke up on a piece of paper . since this recent situation , i just feel like a failure i guess you could say, like ive failed him , myself , the people around me . ive missed my job interview , i missed the deadline for my school stuff being in the hospital , i just lay in bed & sleep all day till someone asks me to go somewhere . i feel like i should be the strong one right now , the one keeping it all together . but im finding that its harder everyday . of course im going to be here though , leaving isnt an option for me . i love him & i made a promise to him , as he did to me . but every little thing i do , i just think to myself im literally losing my mind . i do my hair in the morning thinking i wonder if he would think this is cute , even though i know im not going to see him , i wonder if he would be happy that im trying to smile alot , or would he be understanding as to why i cant . i wake up and lay in bed for hours hoping and praying when this is all over with that he will still love me as much as he did , would he be mad at me ? could ive done more ? its voices in my head , thoughts to myself , that drive me the craziest . i try to keep my mind occupied but i cant . every little thing reminds me . EVERYONE just says try and forget , it dont help me to keep thinking about it , bringing it up . but sorry , the memory isnt fading . i remember every little detail from the pain i felt run through my body , to my heart drop when i saw him there , to even the smell . i cant watch certain tv shows because there is a memory behind it . memories are good , till i realize that its going to be a while before there is more . i just want everything to be alright . things were perfect , my little fairytale . to hell , i have nobody to talk to , nobody i want to talk to . ive disconnected myself from the outside world so much because i try to sleep my days away hoping time will just fly by . i wake up check my phone then go right back to sleep . ive had too much going on at the moment , my mind is in a million places . i cant even get a grip on reality , but when i do i just want to choke it to death . im mad that things can go from heavenly to hell in .2 seconds , the blink of an eye . im waiting for the day i can feel alive again . im tired of people judging me , people talking shit constantly , people not minding their own buisness . i understand people are also going through things and i might not ever realize what they are going through , but at least i try to understand . nobody trys to understand what i go through . which is fine , you dont have to BUT dont judge & talk shit unless your willing to see things from a different perspective . nobody feels my pain . i never talk about it , never want to , cus i feel like im being selfish . when in reality i have no more of me left to be selfish , because i over extend myself . someone told me right now , my "healing" period is a good time to be selfish , to take care of myself and better myself . and as bad as i sounds , i refuse . i have other people to worry about with bigger problems , who i know need me . maybe my weakness is being too kind ? people always take advantage but my dumbass self is just glad to be able to help someone even in the littlest ways . a small thing can make a big difference and ive always been that way . i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and let it all out but i cant , for some reason i hold it in . i tell myself i shouldnt even discuss it with anyone because i have to be the strong one . i tell myself not to be afraid because im a rider . have you ever loved someone so much you were willing to give your own self up for them ? to give the clothes off your back ? ever love someone so much that when their away you literally get sick to your stomach ? you just want everything to be perfect with them , you settle for things that your not even okay with because when you argue with them it can bring you to tears . you want to protect them and sheild them even when you know its impossible . . . you go to sleep and dream about them , wake up and instantly want to be near them . no ? didnt think so . my love is like no other . try looking through my eyes before you talk shit ,