maybe we had no buisness havin' buisness .

people say your suppose to live your life with no regrets ; but my personal thought on that ? everyone has at LEAST one thing they wish they could take back . me ? i have a few . the main . .

1. reuniting with my scum bag father .


one- sometimes i hate myself , and several other people including my father . my mom left him when she found out she was pregant , she was young and he was.. who cares. he NEVER tried to find me. he didnt even care. my mom ran into my aunt at walmart one day "his sister" and my aunt talked to my dad, who then came over and we hung out whatever, i was only 13 in middles school. i was so happy at first cause i thought we could be a family again? idk i wasnt thinking.. remember i was nieve. i went to see him a few times. then one day life went into hell i remember just sitting there like wtf ; this cant be normal . i use to cry. i didnt know who to turn to. who would believe me, cause that is a serious matter. so i stay quite for almost a whole fucking year only one who knew was faraby . finally i couldnt take anymore so i told my abuela . she of course called my mom . which till this day i think she doubts the fact that its true . which i dont understand why ?! she is like in denial. maybe im just taking my anger out on her ? i know in reality it isnt her fault he aint in jail but still. he ruined my life . i trust NOBODY now , i try to trust people cause i know not everyone is like him . but idk . with guys ? i act so different i dont think i can ever get married . when im with a guy i always argue with him cause in my mind i want him to leave . i dont get it sometimes . i think i need therapy . will i ever get it ? who knows . part of me hated my mom , part of me hated my self . and ALL of me ; every little bone in my body ; HATES my father . he isnt even my DAD ! it takes a real person to be a dad , anybody can be a father . he could die right now for all i care and i wont have NO remorse . its like i have all this anger built up inside. i cant even explain it. makes me feel like im worthless though. like ill never be good enough for anybody cause of him .

for the record.. no mom i dont HATE you. i was just blaiming everyone involved at that time.

this thing i regret . and impacted my life in different wayss . of course there our other things that impacted my life . . that is most devastating .