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lately my whole world has turned upside down & i dont know what to do anymore or how to get back on my feet . i try to do normal things such as go to a movie , or out to eat . but its really hard to even focus on whats going on around me . i get lost in my thoughts , in the memories , the nightmares . im not sure i know how to cope with any of this . how to keep it together . i dont even know how to talk to him face to face anymore , when i look him in the eyes i just want to break down & cry because reality just smacks me in the face everytime and i dont know how to handle it . ive writtin letter after letter after letter full of stuff ive been wanting to tell him though. at least i cant choke up on a piece of paper . since this recent situation , i just feel like a failure i guess you could say, like ive failed him , myself , the people around me . ive missed my job interview , i missed the deadline for my school stuff being in the hospital , i just lay in bed & sleep all day till someone asks me to go somewhere . i feel like i should be the strong one right now , the one keeping it all together . but im finding that its harder everyday . of course im going to be here though , leaving isnt an option for me . i love him & i made a promise to him , as he did to me . but every little thing i do , i just think to myself im literally losing my mind . i do my hair in the morning thinking i wonder if he would think this is cute , even though i know im not going to see him , i wonder if he would be happy that im trying to smile alot , or would he be understanding as to why i cant . i wake up and lay in bed for hours hoping and praying when this is all over with that he will still love me as much as he did , would he be mad at me ? could ive done more ? its voices in my head , thoughts to myself , that drive me the craziest . i try to keep my mind occupied but i cant . every little thing reminds me . EVERYONE just says try and forget , it dont help me to keep thinking about it , bringing it up . but sorry , the memory isnt fading . i remember every little detail from the pain i felt run through my body , to my heart drop when i saw him there , to even the smell . i cant watch certain tv shows because there is a memory behind it . memories are good , till i realize that its going to be a while before there is more . i just want everything to be alright . things were perfect , my little fairytale . to hell , i have nobody to talk to , nobody i want to talk to . ive disconnected myself from the outside world so much because i try to sleep my days away hoping time will just fly by . i wake up check my phone then go right back to sleep . ive had too much going on at the moment , my mind is in a million places . i cant even get a grip on reality , but when i do i just want to choke it to death . im mad that things can go from heavenly to hell in .2 seconds , the blink of an eye . im waiting for the day i can feel alive again . im tired of people judging me , people talking shit constantly , people not minding their own buisness . i understand people are also going through things and i might not ever realize what they are going through , but at least i try to understand . nobody trys to understand what i go through . which is fine , you dont have to BUT dont judge & talk shit unless your willing to see things from a different perspective . nobody feels my pain . i never talk about it , never want to , cus i feel like im being selfish . when in reality i have no more of me left to be selfish , because i over extend myself . someone told me right now , my "healing" period is a good time to be selfish , to take care of myself and better myself . and as bad as i sounds , i refuse . i have other people to worry about with bigger problems , who i know need me . maybe my weakness is being too kind ? people always take advantage but my dumbass self is just glad to be able to help someone even in the littlest ways . a small thing can make a big difference and ive always been that way . i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and let it all out but i cant , for some reason i hold it in . i tell myself i shouldnt even discuss it with anyone because i have to be the strong one . i tell myself not to be afraid because im a rider . have you ever loved someone so much you were willing to give your own self up for them ? to give the clothes off your back ? ever love someone so much that when their away you literally get sick to your stomach ? you just want everything to be perfect with them , you settle for things that your not even okay with because when you argue with them it can bring you to tears . you want to protect them and sheild them even when you know its impossible . . . you go to sleep and dream about them , wake up and instantly want to be near them . no ? didnt think so . my love is like no other . try looking through my eyes before you talk shit ,