smooth.

I was going to log on here , and type a wholeeee story. But then i realized if rather not get into it right now. My life at the moment has been smooth sailing & i pray that it stays this way.

let me just say this . .

i find it BEYOND hilarious when an ex that you use to care about or whatever at that point in time is the biggest asshole so you leave . . thennnnnn you find someone else and you realize how much happier you are and how much you love them . . all of a sudden here comes your ex , "oh your man is so lucky , im so stupid to let you go , you were such a good gf blah fucking blah blah . its too funny , quite a show really . . DEAR EX , will you go lay in the middle of 192 . . thank you .

true life .

So here we are again . At a road in life where i cant determine weather or not i should turn left , turn right , or just turn around all together . Im hanging by a thread , and sometimes i feel like i cant take another day . I constantly tell myself over and over that im strong . But everything just feels like so much , TOO much . I feel like there is pounds & pounds of cement bricks on my shoulder weighing me down . I hear everyday how much of a strong beautiful person i am . How people admire me , all this . Im grateful . But i still know how much this is . Sometimes i wish it wasnt me . That instead of me looking out , im the one looking in , saying aw im so sorry . I hope all goes well , then go on about my day . It seems easy . But i could never do that . I fight for what i love , and though it drains everything out of me , i still manage to be standing tall at the end of the day . Ive stopped sheding tears ive stopped talking about everything all together . This . . This blog right here , is my only source to speak . And whomever reads it , reads it , i dont give a damn , because this is true life .

IGNORE .

random venting , IGNORE . i need somewhere to put it all lol .

damn i miss my partner . i remember when we first started talking . he kept hitting me up & i thought he was just some nigga trying to promote his music , i knew who he was , but not like that . he kept hittin me up & i was getting annoyed , kept ignoring him lol . then one day he gave me his number . wellllll 2 months later , i randomly went back and got it from my email to text him . and im glad i did if i do say so myself . we texted that wholeeee dayyy . i remember like it just happened . we been talking damn near a year come october . i never took him serious though . but then we started talking more & more . id be in class texting him , i even burnt my hand in cosmo on a curling iron . still got a big scar lol . next thing i know we talking 24/7 man . if we werent on the phone we were texting . even when we were busy . we still managed to talk to each other . i know he was feeling me . he was too cute . when i went to sleep at night he would text me really late , that way i woke up to something cute from him in the am . he told me the cutest shit too . he always told me though that he never knew how i felt . but one night i was at a party , and yea i was pretty gone lol . but i called him & stayed on the phone with him allllll night . niggas were trying to get at me & all , he heard it . but i went upstairs laid in bed & caked with him all night . he said thats when he knew (: thats when i knew too . when we first started talking i was a million miles away man . i had moved from kissimmee for a little to massachusetts , next thing i know my ass is back in kissimmee with him right by my side . lol i got back the weekend of valentines day . he got me a card & all this shit - too cute <3 when i got there though he had to leave for a week . we were so tied up with eachother , on webcam everynight lol . as soon as he got back , same night he came straight to my house . i remember i was so excited . at that point i already knew he played a big role in my life . he was going up in ranks like nothing . he got out the car so fast & gave me the biggest hug & kiss (: since then we been inseparable . not to long after that , late at night , we were sitting at the lakefront & he was just staring at me in my eyes . . i remember asking "why you looking at me like that" playing around & he leaned in close & whispered real low , cause i love you . that was the first time he told me . i had sooooo many butterflies in my stomach i thought i was going to passout lol . it was so soon , but it felt so right . i never met someone who completes me the way he does . we just go so good together . and in such a little time we been through so much together but it keeps bringing us closer . babyboy is my everything , and without him , im nothing . i hear his voice , my heart skips a beat , he kisses me i get goose bumps , light headed . i remember he said he thought he loved before . but nothing felt like this . he said "people search all their lives to find what we got , now i got it , and i refuse to let it go !" he always knows how to put a smile on my face , no matter what im going through . he has helped me through some of the hardest things & was always there for me . with the recent situation , its my time to prove to him , that im going to be here for him . im his rock <3 i have to be strong for the both of us . and im more the okay with that . people always talk alot too . always judging , always got something to say . but at the end of the day , dispite everyone elses opinion , its about ME & HIM . me & him got so close , we even finish eachothers sentences . we can go for hours without talking , but know what we are saying by our facial expressions . and we really did that before one time lol . i remember before him , i thought "LOVE" was such bullshit . i always thought with people its all about lust . that , that is the thing to keep people together . but now i see it for what it is . he makes me feel , amazing . its a high . his smile , his voice , his touch , just to see him is a rush . we will go far . we arnt married but he promised till death due us part . and nobody seems to understand . people under estimate it all . reality is that they are not US . they fail to see what we do , feel what we do . me & him , are like one . and we are in this to win this together . he promised me "till the end of time , i will be your protector to shield you from the bad , and love you with all i have." and till the casket drops , he is the holder of my heart . i know we have a long road ahead of us but like the saying goes . hope for the best & prepare for the worst . all i can do is put it in gods hands & let him take the lead . he needs me now more then ever , and idc what i have to do . i will be there . through thick & thin . he's my soldier , & now im going to be his little warrior . i pray everynight for the strength , for god to see US through this hard time . i know babyboy would want me to keep a smile on my face , blow off the stress & focus on whats important now . see the bigger picture , and notice the good thats in it . so im putting on my bulletproof vest , and going in with all i got ! i love you <3

friends ?

what is the honest true definition of a friend ? how do you ever determine who is really there for you , who is using you , two timing you , lying , back stabbing , loving , REAL ? within the past few months ive seen so much , TOOOO much , so much bullshit , lies , betrayal , FAKE . its fucked up because , when someone tells you they got love for you , or you like a brother or sister , they wont do you wrong , you want to believe that , you want that to be what happens . but in reality , as far as i see , you only have yourself . people are selfish , self centered . if someone is your bestfriend , you dont call them a bitch , a fuck nigga . when things get rough you dont dip . if something dont go your way you dont throw a fit . you man the fuck up & be there even if its just a shoulder to lean on . you shouldnt want to throw away your friendship because some petty shit . if you dont benefit from something you should still want to involve yourself . and i may be ranting on & on but this shit bothers me & i been seeing so much of this . you claim your 100 , your real ? alllllll this bullshit . lmfao , funny . not to mention , this person was there for you through thick and thin , through good & bad . now something happens and all they need is as little as to see your face , but you cant do that ? you cant make a little bit of an effort ? this right here right now is more important then anything , fuck borrowing money , fuck all that . this shit here ? this shit real . you can say oh im there my nigga , i got you no matter what , but WHERE THE FUCK YOU AT NOW ?! save that shit for someone else . actions speak louder then words , dont talk bout it , be bout it . life is moving fast , and you only have so many chances .

springs .

Today i actually decided to go out with the family . . I wasnt a fan of the idea , since we were going to the springs , one for the fact with my injuries i have me & the sun arnt the best of friends , heat is no good , nor is moving around , swimming blah blah . BUT ! I got on a float and just chilled enjoying my time out of the house . I started off negative about the whole thing , but then i thought what the hell , might as well make the best of it . I was SOOO hot ! And kept running out of breath . Luckly the springs have freezing cold water , so it was an equal balance .

Of course , he * was heavy on my mind . Last time we spoke of the springs we were suppose to go together . . Then with that thought in my head the memories started flowing in . Good ones though , they put a smile on my face . Trying to get back to my normal live is going to be difficult . But im trying my best . Trying to hold my head high & see the good in things . Having a positive attitude & thinking positive , will bring positive things to you . I just keep telling myself that . Whatever helps me get through the day i suppose . Alot of people say since the accident , i havent been myself . I know that though . I see alot of changes in me . And as much as i would like to i cant be 100% Kea again . When someone goes through something traumatic its going to take some time , IF it happens , in my case i doubt it . But like i said i make the best out of it . I mean thats the best thing i can do . . . right ?

.

lately my whole world has turned upside down & i dont know what to do anymore or how to get back on my feet . i try to do normal things such as go to a movie , or out to eat . but its really hard to even focus on whats going on around me . i get lost in my thoughts , in the memories , the nightmares . im not sure i know how to cope with any of this . how to keep it together . i dont even know how to talk to him face to face anymore , when i look him in the eyes i just want to break down & cry because reality just smacks me in the face everytime and i dont know how to handle it . ive writtin letter after letter after letter full of stuff ive been wanting to tell him though. at least i cant choke up on a piece of paper . since this recent situation , i just feel like a failure i guess you could say, like ive failed him , myself , the people around me . ive missed my job interview , i missed the deadline for my school stuff being in the hospital , i just lay in bed & sleep all day till someone asks me to go somewhere . i feel like i should be the strong one right now , the one keeping it all together . but im finding that its harder everyday . of course im going to be here though , leaving isnt an option for me . i love him & i made a promise to him , as he did to me . but every little thing i do , i just think to myself im literally losing my mind . i do my hair in the morning thinking i wonder if he would think this is cute , even though i know im not going to see him , i wonder if he would be happy that im trying to smile alot , or would he be understanding as to why i cant . i wake up and lay in bed for hours hoping and praying when this is all over with that he will still love me as much as he did , would he be mad at me ? could ive done more ? its voices in my head , thoughts to myself , that drive me the craziest . i try to keep my mind occupied but i cant . every little thing reminds me . EVERYONE just says try and forget , it dont help me to keep thinking about it , bringing it up . but sorry , the memory isnt fading . i remember every little detail from the pain i felt run through my body , to my heart drop when i saw him there , to even the smell . i cant watch certain tv shows because there is a memory behind it . memories are good , till i realize that its going to be a while before there is more . i just want everything to be alright . things were perfect , my little fairytale . to hell , i have nobody to talk to , nobody i want to talk to . ive disconnected myself from the outside world so much because i try to sleep my days away hoping time will just fly by . i wake up check my phone then go right back to sleep . ive had too much going on at the moment , my mind is in a million places . i cant even get a grip on reality , but when i do i just want to choke it to death . im mad that things can go from heavenly to hell in .2 seconds , the blink of an eye . im waiting for the day i can feel alive again . im tired of people judging me , people talking shit constantly , people not minding their own buisness . i understand people are also going through things and i might not ever realize what they are going through , but at least i try to understand . nobody trys to understand what i go through . which is fine , you dont have to BUT dont judge & talk shit unless your willing to see things from a different perspective . nobody feels my pain . i never talk about it , never want to , cus i feel like im being selfish . when in reality i have no more of me left to be selfish , because i over extend myself . someone told me right now , my "healing" period is a good time to be selfish , to take care of myself and better myself . and as bad as i sounds , i refuse . i have other people to worry about with bigger problems , who i know need me . maybe my weakness is being too kind ? people always take advantage but my dumbass self is just glad to be able to help someone even in the littlest ways . a small thing can make a big difference and ive always been that way . i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and let it all out but i cant , for some reason i hold it in . i tell myself i shouldnt even discuss it with anyone because i have to be the strong one . i tell myself not to be afraid because im a rider . have you ever loved someone so much you were willing to give your own self up for them ? to give the clothes off your back ? ever love someone so much that when their away you literally get sick to your stomach ? you just want everything to be perfect with them , you settle for things that your not even okay with because when you argue with them it can bring you to tears . you want to protect them and sheild them even when you know its impossible . . . you go to sleep and dream about them , wake up and instantly want to be near them . no ? didnt think so . my love is like no other . try looking through my eyes before you talk shit ,

Long time no talk.

Well hello world, i def. havent been on here in a while. So much has changed and im not even quite sure where to start. I was up in massachusetts, i now moved back to my moms house, actually i plan on moving out soon. Remember when i use to say fuck every guy ? And how i was OH SO afraid of commitment ? Actually i had a post on it. Welllll, i met this one guy, we've talked for a while, considering we were just friends in october, we've officially been dating almost 3 months. He is the most amazing person inside & out, i love & absolutly adore everything about him. I love the way he makes me smile till my cheeks hurt, how i can laugh out of control. I love how we can get into petty ass arguments and within 5 mins kiss & make up & act like it never happened. I even love how he gets on my nerves. I love his little belly & his soft kisses, i loveeee the way he kisses my cheeks really fast until he smile extra big. Point is i love him. Im IN love with him. He completes me & makes me feel whole. He actually has a son. I even adore his son they look SO much alike btw lmao. Anyways, im starting to sound like a pansie.

Ive stopped talking to my grandmother. I couldnt really take the way she acted when she got drunk. I cant believe how she acts now. Its insane. And i dont have time for it especially when i went to hell and back for her. She had nerve to send me a birthday card tho and it said i was the most amazing person. Tell me how that is when she said im SO rotten and an asshole. -lovely huh.

Me and my mom have been getting along alot better. Things at home are pretty good.. for now.

I think ive become addicted to piercings. I just keep feeling the need to get them, i just recently got my monroe now. I think im going to stop & move on to tattoos now.

Cosmetology is still going good for me :)
But since i moved and all this bullshit my hours got all messed up, so im just going to start all over again, i also plan on going to school now for business & marketing. Im horrible at math but we will see where this goes.

I dont really talk to many friends now as much as i did back then, i guess i kinda grew up a bit. Also i quickly realized you cant trust NOBODY except for yourself. Many people are just fake. I dont really have time for drama. Ill pass.

Anyway, i guess this is it for now, ill be sure to come back :)

real words; comming from a real bitch.

your a bitch your a lame your a coward, i thought your love was sweet untill it turned sour, you snuck up from the back and stabbed me, i aint even see it coming but i been here bleeding for weeks, got my nervous system twisted over you, im all cold now so my blood runs blue. thought we were timeless, but you were spineless, gave me a death certificate but i wont sign it.
no i will not go, even though that blow knocked me on the floor but you aint seen the last of me, turn your back on me, but you'll regret it, thats why you messed up homie.

you should've killed me.

you tried to take me out the game but im a soldier, you shot me in the heart and i came back on ya, aint got the juice to put me down i am the truth.

tried to destroy me and turn me into a monster but their aint been an obstacle that i aint conqure and you no different, just another name on the list yea im wounded but im still that bitch.