.......

Life is pretty good right now. I'm excited for alot of things going on.
Except the fact I chipped my damn tooth :\ damnit ! Lol.

Came to the conclusion; most females are pathetic & will do anything to see you fall..
Well damn bitch guess whatttt ?! NOT HAPPENIN' ;) So sucka dickkk.

Awwww Dj Am died.. I'm sadd he was the shiznittsss. That ruins my plans with ashley.
So much for having a nude bubble party with him... lmaaaooooo.

OH ! I was watching some shit on that model girl that was murdered..
yo that was dumbb sadddddd. Then the dude that did it killed himself ?!
Smh; fucking pussssyyyyy.

Anywayssss off to see a gooood frienddddd ;)
Toodlessss !!

I feel you [Poem)

I may not know your name
Or know your situation
I may not know your pain
Or know the information
But I feel you none the less...And though we're different flesh
I look at you as you are me and hurt when you confess...
Confess that you cant sleep because the agony you feel
Confess that you cant eat because your family is ill
Confess that you cant weep because your strategy is still
To hold in all thats left to make the tragedy not real
You're battling to feel...
Bandaging to heal...
All the happiness that cant be with and damaging has killed
Ive been there and im still...exactly where you are
Under the clouds, the sun, the moon, this sadness and the stars
And though we may be far I feel you none the less
Our eyes have never met but its the heart that we connect
The problems that we share
The heart break and despair
I know life isnt fair but just know that someone cares
Someone you'll never near
Different face but same ol tear
I may not know your name but just know that I am here...

Your status set to "crying"
Your mood set to "sad"
Your main pic of you smiling
To the real world you seem glad
You shelter your emotions
Pretend that youre ok
When inside your heart is broken
For whatever made that way
For whatever paints you gray
Know the sky is always blue
Know the sun is always shining...shining just for you
Know that God is always watching
Know that you're not alone
Know that Heaven hears your voice...though it seems that no ones home
Tears will disappear
Frowns dont last forever
It took the clouds to go away for the sun to own the weather
So just know it will get better...And yes I know the world is cold so let hope be your sweater

too good.

So i've come to the conclusion; The nice guys always finish last. IF they even finish at all.

im sorry. for every negative i try to find 3 positives. but at this point in my life i cant. i dont know what to do :( i feel like im walking on stilts. scared to even breath. i really do have such a big heart. and i wear it on my sleeve like its the new fashion. but i feel like im being tested everyday. i trust someone just a smidge and OF COURSE something happens. it really hurts too.
maybe i give out too many chances. but im a believer everyone deserves a second chance.

however this time around im starting to think differently. ive been hurt so much lately. i NEVER cry and i feel like its all ive been doing. my heart racing faster and faster as every tear drop streams down my face. ive TRUELY learned. you cant trust anybody. not a good friend, not a guy, not even family. and turns out, the ones you'd least expect to hurt you? are the first ones to do it. ive learned never believe what someone says, because actions speak louder then words. and just today. all the trust i might of had for anyone has been thrown out the window completely.

ive learned love, is just an emotion that the mind makes up. it isnt real. i also learned being single the rest of my life isnt all that bad. because id honestly choose dying old with nobody by my side then being killed by the amount of stress im always put under in a relationship.

i dont think anyone understands how much ive endured. i get the twisting and churning in my stomach, the fire burning in the pit of my tummy. the tears rolling down my face. and me sitting here puzzeled wondering why. i get goosebumps, and shake. my teeth even chatter sometimes. i feel a chill down my spine and a sharp pain in my chest. its beyondd what would happen in a movie. yet i try to wake up every morning and put it all in the past. i dont believe in holding grudges. i believe in forgiving because thats what god would do. choosing to forget is up to you. although thats just a figure of speech because there is no way you can honestly forget.

ive learned no matter how nice you are to people, it dont matter. they will STILL treat you like shit. because everyone is an asshole. i take time out of my day to at least make someone smile. yet i NEVER get anything in return. just pain and heartache. pain is enevitable but suffering is an option, and that is why im going to get it all out now so i dont have to ever come back to it. because i will not suffer and pay for other people being dickheads.

ive learned the mintue someone tells you they wont hurt you ? its a double negative & they will.

ive learned that the word promise ? is also made up. nobody EVER keeps their promises. So yes, it is complete bullshit and if your sitting here saying you keep yours? your a bullshiter.

ive learned that NO, not every guy is the same. but one way or another down the line one WILL hurt you. and if your a girl and you believe what they say? yes, you will be in for a rude awakening. guys watch out because girls could and most will hurt you too.

ive learned just when you think you really know somebody, your wrong.

ive learned tho, that you should always ride any situation out and see where it takes you. you never know what could happen along the way. if your really commited in a relationship maybe you should stick it out..

because ive learned nobody is perfect and alot of people are very far from it. if you let it go to soon you will miss it dearly and the pain could be far worse then what it was. so TRY and put everything aside and make it work. people make mistakes it is life. you learn from them, grow from them.

however, GIRLS, ive learned. NEVER hide your feelings and pretend like everything is ok. because take my word. it gets nowhere & eats you up inside. it might fix things at that point and time but the same situation could and probably will happen again. talk it out, fix things. lets it be known how you feel so things are crystal clear. then like i said ride it out for a little bit and if nothing changed. then although it might not be what you want, leave.

sometimes i wonder how i got here. is it my fault? because of me being so nice and having such a big heart i let it get so bad? or is it people just take advantage of me every chance they get.

ive learned that sometimes you have to be your own hero. and stop relying on everyone else.

however i know i can make it through, depsite everything. i will just keep waking up with a smile on my face and keep praying that life will get better and people will learn and mature.


and me writing this... made me realize. i cant hold something over someones head forever. people mess up its life, accept it because you gotta make it through the rain to get to the rainbow. anywaysssss. i feel like this is fucking pointless...

so fuck this wholeeeeeeee bloggggggggggg !! ignore it all.

cats ?

earlier i took some meds, i think it was nyquil. now i feel like im high
-___-
kinda funny actually. i started to feel really woozy lmaaaooo. almost drunk.
idk, but i knocked out. like stone cold lol, homegirl said i looked dead.

now? im dumb fucking hyper. and there is nothing to do. i guess i could rant on about my life? but it isnt even all that. kinda boring considering nothing new happened. except im fucking sick and i feel like im dying if not already dead. it came out of the blue too. i havent had a good sleep in so long. i look dumb bummy. with a florida gator hoodie on and some little shorts with my blanket wrapped around me and eating chicken noddle soup. -which by the way is really good.

haaaa, so this guy up here likes me or whatever. i mean i dont care cause thats on him, i have my eyes set on someone else. but anyways, he hit me up on aim and was like i like you alot blah blah. i was trying to hold in my laughter. i know i know, rude but i cant help it. he KNOWS i dont like him and i toldddd him im feelin someone . yet he says this -___- anyways. after that he says can i ask you something serious. i was like uhh sure ? scared he gonna ask me out lmao. he says "what would you do if i got you pregnant?" my jaw dropped like wtf my niggaaaa ?! ew ew. first of all i only knew him for a few weeks. and he trippin over me that bad? and saying shit like that creeps me out. cus that means SEX.. with him o.O ew. i tried changing the subject then he goes what if i told you i wanted a kid. i said okay well thats on you idk? nothing to do with me. then he says can you picture yourself with my kid =O he creeped me out, i blocked him lol.

hmm anyways. i made a bet with someone that im going to get a job by october. but that means i gotta stay up here lol. idc cus he will LOSE. smh, loser. i needa win something. he always wins
-___- gayyyy.

for about the past week i've been home by myself the fams is outta town. and for some reason i was thinking about cats. their life sucks. like.. if its only one cat in a house they must be lonely. all they do is sleep. they must be depressed. cant go party. all they do it eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom. must suck >.<

la de da, im O U T !

;)

7 days of the week alternate sides of the street
I'm a drag that bitch like the motha fuckin beat
That's word to me I'm a smack her when I see her
You the type to be like I'm a ask her when I see her
Still be scared to death you walk pass me when you see her
See I treat her like a check and straight cash her when I see her
I'm a leave her when I see her, casadea when I see her
It's me bitches yea swiss beata when I see her
See it's on when I see her, she a goner when I see her
Word is bond I'm on her, I'm a stomp her when I see her
I'm a put hands on her, I'm a snatch her when I see her
Like my lil' cousin pat say trash her when I see her
These broads is garbage I be laughing when I see her
They be copin pleads like "girl what happened? " when I see her
I don't question her when I see her, I address her when I see her
Wash her up and permanently press her when I see her
Apply pressure when I see her, disrespect her when I see her
This aint chess but I'm a chin check her when I see her
I don't give a fuck yup! I'm a duff her when I see her
I swear to my motha I'm a snuff her when I see her
It's nothing when I see her, No it's something when I see her
That bitch best bets to start running when I see her

I DARE HER TO TALK BACK AND START FRONTIN WHEN I SEE HER

I just might snap and start grillin when I see her
Now I'm a step to her like a grown women when I see her
Nahh I'm lien ya'll already know I'm dumbin when I see her
Yeahh I'm comein when I see her See it's over when I see her
So don't act like I ain't already told ya'll when I see her
I'm a ethanal like Nas did Hova when I see her,
and then come back like H.O.V did and take over when I see her
Ya'll could call me Diddy cause I ain't stopin when I see her
I ain't lil' mama put my lip gloss poppin when I see her
She ain't rockin when I see her, cause I'm rollin when I see her
I'm a have her whole fuckin face swollin when I see her READY?!

insecure .

Lately im constantly being told im "the perfect girl" that any guy would want. But really. I dont think anyone see the truth. I mean dont get me wrong. I deffinatley dont care if my guy wants to go out with his friends and have fun, i respect people enough to let them have their space because I know what it feel's like to have no space. Although sometimes I do get nervous. What if a girl comes by who in their eyes is prettier then me? Cooler then me? A girl that can make them laugh more? See my problem is im insecure.... When it comes to those things at least. I try so hard not to sweat those things though . I mean if my guy has a girl FRIEND thats fine. I respect that. However im not gonna sit here and say I dont worry about it. Because I do.

And I usually take the blame for everything because I feel you should always be grown enough to admit what happened BUT this time.. im pretty sure I was the innocent victim .

Honestly though. The whole thing with my dad made me feel really insecure. Like no one would ever want to touch me after that happened. I mean thats why I dont really tell people but fuck it. OH ! And not to mention the mental and emotinal abuse I took from someone else. Completely lowered my self esteem unbelievably . I do try to play it off though. Sometimes I come off cocky almost. Though might I say im deff NOT. Thats why after everything I think a good majority of my relationships dont work; because of those two people. Im too insecure to let someone in & hella scared their gonna cheat on me. Or i'll give them my genuine all but they just leave with not a care in the world, or they will take advantage of me and try to pull off what my ex did.

I was bruised so bad my confidence became bruised.

However, I grew alot. I appreciate everything that had EVER happened to me. Simply because it made me the person I am today. Every wicked past leads to a "beautiful" person. Because its whats makes the beautiful. So NOT once will you see me being ungrateful. Not everyone is perfect although we'd like to think otherwise. So yes, I have some flaw, but im trying to improve them.

Broken tommorow (Poem]

She stays up late at night
Cold dinner on the table
He doesn't treat her right
But her attractions more than fatal

She never has a say so...comes and goes as he please
She longs to hear she's beautiful, or she is all he needs

But she couldnt bare to leave
Her hope keeps them together
For some reason she believes
That he will change just like the weather

But a snake cant turn to feathers...She's in love with yesterday
"One day he'll treat me better", so for tomorrow she must pray

But the sorrow seems to stay
He unappreciates her love
He doesn't put her on display
Or take her out to have some fun

He treats her like she's none...At times he is abusive
He's made her insecure, she's sure shes not among the cutest

To her beauty she is clueless
Her face knows his hand quite well
He says shes just a nuisance
Smacks her face and then she fell

She crawls inside her shell...Wonders why she takes this pain
She has no one to talk to so her emotions she detains

He accuses her and claims
That she cheats behind his back
When she's at home all day
And he's the one with sugar snaps

"One day he will be back"...the sweet man she fell in love with
The one she shared the sun with, shared the thoughts they used to run with

He used to kiss her thumb print
"My lips are identified by you"
He used to kiss her stomach"
One day you'll hold my baby too"

And when that day came to be true...it all began to change
3 months she lost the baby and he's never been the same

He says that she's to blame
He rubs it in her face"Youre nothing but a shame"
"You killed the baby before he could wake"

Its been 6 months since that took place...she would be giving birth
Instead of lying in her arms, baby sleeps beneath the dirt

She feels she has no worth
And he doesnt make it better
Things are only getting worse
So she feels its time to sever

She grabs some pills to sleep forever...Swallows eight then closed her eyes
A smile upon her face, she dreams of a broken tomorrow in her mind

*Their baby came out fine*
*Shared features from them both*
*They married August 9th*
*The beautiful family that she hoped*

But her dream was overdosed...Her life then said goodbye
He found in her in the room where the unborn baby would reside

He now stays up late at night
No dinner on the table
Wishes he could treat her right
But his mistreatment turned to fatal...